X-Fire

X-Fire (which was supposedly pronounced Cross Fire, which was very confusing) was a Paintball based TV Game Show which aired for one series on Channel 4 between 2001 and 2002, and presented by Ed Hall! The idea, in a nutshell, is pretty straightforward: A team of six contestants would take part in a series of missions each week, in the hopes of scorring enough points, to return for the final episode in the hope of…yeah from this point on, I can’t explain it simply, because from here it just gets weird. Basically, if they got enough points they could return at the end of the series to “Help save the Planet from Total Destruction”.

It is quite possibly one of the weirdest shows in Game Show history, but this weirdness did make it incredibly entertaining, at least to begin with. Just know that from here on in, it’s going to get weirder. So, the team of contestants are tasked with completing a mission, with each one having a sort of ‘story’ behind it, with many fantastical elements. The contestants were geared up with near Star Wars Stormtrooper like clothing, and given giant paintball guns, that wouldn’t look out of place in any of the Borderlands games. But these werent any paintball guns, these were (TERRIBLE PUN ALERT!) ‘Emulsifiers!’ Moving on.

So the contestants competed in a range of missions. There wasn’t any real narrative over the course of the series, but there were a regular gang of villains. Most of the villains were called Grunts; weak looking extras who rarely every killed, sorry (TERRIBLE PUN ALERT!) ‘Emulsified’ any of the contestants. The ones who more frequently Emulsified the contestants were a gang of six men and women (commonly referred to as the Special Forces), some of which had interesting nicknames. They were:

• Call Sign: AJ – Rank: Commander,
• Call Sign: Dalia – Rank: Sergeant,
• Call Sign: Morgan – Rank: Sergeant,
• Call Sign: Little Yin – Rank: Private,
• Call Sign: Hellmet – Rank: Oberleutnant,
• Call Sign: Clawz – Rank: Private.

So those were the special forces, out to commit world ending attrocities. And it was up to the contestants to take down these dangerous people, with the power of paintballs.

Each week there were three missions, and depending on how well they did, the contestants could earn credits, to supply themselves with additional gear, like shields, paint bombs, smoke grenades, and a weird thing called a ‘Vinalyser’, which was basically the paintball version of a Flamethrower. Each episode, there was a theme too, with the missions following a kind of narrative for the episode. Some of these narratives included an Alien Landing, Toxic Waste Dumping, Cloning, and by the far the best of them all; the Kidnapping of Software Billionaire (TERRIBLE PUN ALERT!) Gill Bates.

As you can see, it was a really weird show, but immediately after it started, it became something that me, my brothers, and a friend of mine, ever talked about. It’s weirdness is what made it special. They could have just had a paintball competition, but no they did something weird, and just kept it weird. The contestants and special forces even played their parts, by being as dramatic, and overacting as much as possible, when getting shot. And the show just found new ways to be both gripping, intense, and eerie.

For instance, I can quite fondly remember an episode where instead of shooting a contestant, one of the special forces took one them prisoner instead. Now this was only for the mission, sadly they didn’t keep it going, by having the contestants pay a ransom for the contestant (although the story narrative already involved a ransom so maybe a bit too much), or even a rescue mission.

X-Fire was on TV for just a few short but glorious weeks, before taking a break. It then returned without anyone knowing about it, and I only just saw the final episode when it aired. An episode which allowed the contestants to be flown into the final mission, rather than being driven there by a Transit Van. Well, I say flown in, clearly they were placed on top of a rooftop, and made to wave into the air, whilst a badly shot video of a Helicopter taking off was placed just before you see them waving.

I don’t want to overtalk it. It was a daft and silly experiment, which sadly didn’t last, but it was also hillarious, and one of those shows you sort of secretly wished you could sign up for. Unfortunately it has rarely ever been repeated, but if you get the chance, give it a go (watching it I mean, sadly it’s not on anymore to take part in). Sit back, relax, and “Let the Mayhem Begin!”